I know so many answers. Real answers to problems and yet those answers are not quick fixes and certainly NOT always the right answer. I lack answers as well. I lack more than I know, actually. I know we all want a quick fix and of that I am certain. We all want things done now. We all want more time for ourselves and certainly more quality time, but reality won't dictate that for us with kids from trauma.
Food: It's a big deal. It fuels the brain and we are using this as a quick fix and taking to the junk the world says is good. Processed foods and sugar is a mainstay and the brain is rebelling in a huge way. It is causing true brain damage and Dr. Caroline Leaf will show plenty of research to back that. Think and East Yourself Smart. There is so much more I could say here as I am struggling to come to terms with this myself, but I'll leave this right here for you to determine in your own world.
Screens: Hey, aren't we helping our kids be current and a step ahead, preparing them for the future? No, we are setting them up for the need for instant gratification and hits of adrenaline with games and social media. Boredom is not a bad thing. It fosters true creativity and our kids on screens lack this. Need I say more? Nope. I am working and struggling with this too.
Connection: Why, we have Facebook? We are SOOOO connected to people. False. We are distantly connected if you can even call it that. We have no human interaction and lack the skills to actually have a conversation. Do you ever see how frustrated your kids get when you interrupt them, but you are merely interjecting into a conversation? Oh wait, maybe that is just me. They don't know HOW to HAVE a conversation because Facebook, Instagram and Snap Chat, etc. allow them to have the entire say in everything. There is no back and forth. Only soapboxes like the one I'm on right now.
Families are falling apart. Children are seeking true face to face, "Hey, watch me." interaction and we are too busy to give it and they cannot form healthy attachments this way. We run to therapists, and psychologists and psychiatrists. We ask for Day Treatment and Residential Treatment Facilities that further block connection. Just fix it all for us. NOW!
We want our kids to behave. To mind us. To make us look good, but sometimes they don't. Why? Because they are not transitioned well, they don't have enough quality sleep, they do not have even blood sugar levels or near enough water (not things WITH water). They are over stimulated. They are running to so many practices and events and all for their own good, we tell ourselves. These "things" develop them socially and physically and tire them out, but they also break connection with you. It's too much. Way too much. You are trying. Really you are, but you are missing the mark. WE ARE MISSING THE MARK. I AM MISSING THE MARK. We all are and for each family it is different.
Children need the quiet. They need the silly play. They need loud, raucous play too. They need YOU. They need to sit at the table with you for dinner modeling eating slowly and enjoying each other's company. They need to learn the art of conversation and that sometimes we don't all get to say the things we want to. They need to learn to be patient and wait for others and pass the peas. They need to learn to put away their dishes and help their siblings and you and be proud of a job well done. They need to hear you ask them about their day. Really ask for details. What about their friends? How did they handle conflict? Conflict is life. It is best we facilitate our children working through this now, lest they become entitled, angry adults who can't resolve a conflict.
What are YOU willing to do to help them heal? Turn your life upside down? Give up nights with friends? REALLY put your phone down. Take screens away to another room for an extended time? Play outside together? Take a walk? Are you willing to give up soccer? Skip homework every now and then when frustration is too much? Not many are. I struggle. Defining what this looks like for ME, for MY family is hard. My brain gets tired trying to think outside the box I neatly created and packed.
For those not willing to go the extra mile or for crying out loud the extra marathon, I'll be standing in court with you when you tell the judge you want to turn your child over to the state because you can't keep everyone safe from him/her. It will be hard. In some cases there is no other way. I KNOW, I've stood with those, but those are few and far between. In fact only one in my three years of post adopt, if I'm honest. That particular family was not given near the information they needed and in fact was misled in major ways throughout the entire process with documents destroyed. Most are there standing in court because they weren't willing to change their lifestyle. They are good parents. Some are amazing, but they weren't willing to lose friends, "me-time" or lose their reputation to save a child. These children didn't come at age 10 with long histories, and yet some did. Many came from the hospital, a warm bundle of joy that suffered more trauma in-utero than you can imagine and the brain was always set to an off beat rhythm. They needed therapeutic parenting, but we weren't willing to believe it because they came straight to our loving arms, with a warm bed, a bottle every time they cried. Vacations to the beach in the summer and the best schools. They took violin lessons and soccer. They were on the Math/Science Team. A Honor roll and then something flipped. Something went very wrong and a rage escaped our of seemingly no where. What went wrong? So much. So, so much, and the signs were there, but we pushed them under the rug. He's going through the terrible twos. She has ADHD. He has sensory issues. ALL of those are TRUE in most cases, but they are wrapped up in trauma, not just the simple diagnosis. It is never that simply. Oh, if only it were.
My heart is heavy in these battles. It's heavy for myself and the life we now lead that is so very different than we ever imagined and yet so fulfilled. How can these stories exist together? How can they not? We get to see true miracles occur every day if we only watch for them. Really watch. It's so hard, but so worth it. Step back from your world right now and take a good look. Where do you want to be in 5 years will be determined today and tomorrow.
This is a reminder to myself. This is a struggle in my own life. I know lots of things and yet I know nothing. I am a cracked vessel with so much to learn. Let's do this together. Let's walk this out together. We need each other more than either of us know.
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