My Dear New Foster Mom Self from my Seasoned Foster/Adoptive Mom Self

     Welcome to a whole new world.  I know you finished PRIDE and all of those many other details, but not much will make sense or matter for a while.  The child that's coming will change everything. Everything you thought you knew and thought you were prepared for.  And the next one will do the same thing in a different way.

     You need to know that you WILL make a difference, but you will never know it and others won't either. There will be no accolades and you will move from child to child with little notice from those around you.  No one will notice your broken heart each time one leaves. The little one who came to you at 17 months on a 9 month level will leave you at 24 month on a 26 month level.  This will be critical for his future battles to face at the hands of his grandparents who have good intentions, but can't handle his energy and won't protect him from the father who hurt him because that father is their son and they want to believe he has changed.  His life will be hard, but you did make a difference.  You gave him tools for his journey and you showed him unconditional love that his brain will never forget even when he won't see that again for a long time.  You will never know any of this, but your heart will feel it.

    You will carry on for a long time on adrenalin.  Like a really long time, possibly years....because you have to.  The thrill of another one to help, to show love, to go through those "firsts" with, to show unconditional love to will carry you, it will have to. You will have little else.  You will fill out endless paperwork and follow lots of crazy guidelines.  You will spend hours learning to do African American hair only to be criticized for not doing it right according to one individual who has never done it herself.  You will have more children in your home in 1 year than you ever imagined when you were frantically waiting for that first call to come.  You will remember every birthday, arrival date and leave date for.   every.   single.    one.  You won't, however, remember if you took a shower this morning or actually sometimes when you last took a shower.

     You will be told "you must do this for the money" directly or indirectly and you will cry and laugh and want to scratch their eyes out because they have NO clue, no clue at all.  You will quit caring what they say eventually.  It's simply survival....for you and possibly for them.


     Friends.....  This is a hard one to tell you.  You'll lose many of those friends.  They will support you and rally around you at first, but then it will get old and they will hope this little fad will pass for you, but it won't because it's not a fad, it's a conviction and calling from the very heart of Jesus.  They won't understand and you won't be available for phone calls or lunch dates like you may have been before.  They will fade and you will often be alone. Often. And many will be wonderful Christian leaders.

    The confidence you started with having raised 3 great biological kids without trauma histories will diminish.  The tools you used to raise those kids won't work with these kids.  No matter how hard you try, your parenting will have to change.  You will question who you are, what you've done and why things aren't working that worked so beautifully before.  Trips to Walmart will be scary and embarrassing and you will feel like a failure and cry all alone in your closet more times you will want to admit.  Many things will be a challenge for your children.  These things will become a challenge for you as well. Many more things than you ever imagined.

   You won't quit.  You WILL pray.  I mean really pray.  You thought you knew Jesus, but you didn't until now and this will startle you and make you question everything about what you believe, why you believe it and why you were so ill prepared when you thought quite the opposite.

    Your education, your training, the countless books you read, the friends, the experts, and the support will all mean very little.  They will all tilt and change and you will feel like you're at the fair riding one of those crazy rides that twirls every which way, uncontrolled.

     You will learn more and more about trauma and the more you learn the harder it gets, for a while.

     At first you will feel like supermom.  I mean for the first few years...the adrenalin lasts that long, but as time passes you will switch from supermom to warrior.  You won't preach from the mountaintops about foster care and adoption, you will walk through the valleys with those struggling and often that you will be you.  Your tools for the battle will have to change.  They are crude, but sturdy, old and worn and strangely enough, effective. Life as you knew it will be stripped away.

     You will be criticized for just about everything you do.  Your friends will tell you you're different now.  You will feel alone.  You will feel Jesus.  Tangible as if you can feel his breath on your neck.  He will catch your tears and he will sharpen your tools. You will learn to not care because the battle is on.  You will fight huge Goliaths with small stones.  You will stand guard silently, ever so silent, watching, waiting, preparing.

    You will want to share some things with new, idealistic foster moms, but you know they won't listen.  Not that they don't want to, but they simply can't hear this now. Right now they are going to "change the world" and you KNOW that indeed they will, but not in the way they think and certainly not for the cost they will pay for changing the world.   They can't believe this now.  The cost is too high. They can't "go there" just yet.  You will silently walk in the valleys with them, a step behind, but watching and praying and lifting them up when they begin to stumble and fall.

     You will adopt and adopt again and life will be wonderful and horrible and take your breath away for so many different reasons, both good and bad.  You will learn more about your special children and their needs than you ever thought imaginable and you won't talk about it to too many people.  It's so complicated and personal and the advice from those who have never walked this road is simply not valid, but they have no idea and quite frankly you will be too tired to tell them that.

    Some days you will wear the armor of a warrior and other days you will feel stripped of everything with nothing less to give. Many days you will smile at victories that would have meant nothing in the past, but are monumental now.  Record them.  You need to read the victories.  They will sustain you during tough times and they are incredibly beautiful in a way the world can never see.

   You will not be weak warrior adoptive mom, quite the opposite, but you will feel weak.  You will fight huge battles against the enemy that you don't even realize you are fighting.  You will be a target because of your status as a warrior.  Satan cannot stand a true warrior.  You are too dangerous to him.  Your life will change.  Your now adopted children will not fit a mold and you will realize that's okay, but you never thought you would say that.  You will live with judgement and scorn.  You will live without fancy vacations and new cars.  You will know how to squeeze more out of a day and a $1 than anyone, but no one will know that or acknowledge it if they did.  You will stand straight and proud and ready for battle.  You will love in a deep consuming way that you never knew before, but thought you did.  You will find joy in small things and you will see people for who they are and where they are and love them anyway, even when they turn from you. Your life will be rich, very rich, but money won't have any part of it.

   You will learn how to make the most of very little and applaud things that would never have been noticed by you before.  You will survive and survive well, just different.

   I wish I could share this with you, but you are not ready yet.  You will need to make your own path.  It will be narrow, steep and full of ruts, but it will be yours and you will have earned the view at the top of the mountain and that view will allow you to walk in the valleys beside or behind the next new foster/adoptive mom who needs you to lift their weary head when the realities hit too hard.

Don't give up.  It's worth it.  You will be a mighty, silent Warrior.  Just give it time.