The BEST thing that ever happened....

      4 years later I still remember all of their birthdays.  For the most part I remember the dates they came and the dates the left.  I remember what they liked and didn't and I can still hear their laugh.  My husband had a heart stopping moment this summer while in Walmart.  He heard a child cry and immediately tuned in to it.  The child kept crying and my sweet husband began moving quickly toward the cry.  He knew the cry and he was drawn to find the child to comfort him.  As he came around the corner he realized it was not who he thought it was, but sounded so much like him.  He was relieved and heartbroken at the same time.  Relieved he wasn't crying and yet heartbroken that he couldn't see him just one more time.  That child left our home 2 summers ago.  It was expected.  We knew the day would come and it was a good thing.  His grandparents desperately wanted him and would have taken him immediately had they been able, but it took 2 months for them to get things in order.  2 months for us was enough to love him with a fierce parent protector role even knowing it was only temporary.  Tears were shed and hearts were broken.  That wasn't the first time.  It was the 3rd.  It hurt no less.

     This constant flow of children is hard.  It takes time for EVERYONE to adjust and time to map out a routine.  Time to see where the bandaids go, emotionally.  Time to love.  Time to bond. Then it is often time to let go.  Letting go is for forever in most cases.  No one wants to look back.  At least not the families who have lost their children.  Not even with grandparents.  They want to move on.  They want to forget.  We can't forget.  We move forward, but we never forget.  They each leave with a piece of our heart.  This is a good thing, but a hard thing.  We are forever changed.  We could take this change and become bitter and stay heartbroken forever, and many do, or we can let God work in our lives and move forward to a better place.  To quote a song from Wicked, "we have been changed for good".  We have learned to love deeper, to appreciate each moment, to live each moment.  We thought we got it before.  We were wrong.  So very wrong.  Saying goodbye forever is earth shattering.  It is life changing.  It is, "fall on your face before God" kind of changing.  Some times good things come from challenges, well dog gone it, most of the time good things come from challenges.  Loving and losing teaches us things.  My children had to learn too and they are watching us, so we must lead.

    We have learned that God places children in different homes because he can. Some can provide more, some can't.  Some are smart and some are not.  Some a pretty and some are not.  Some are rich and some are poor and that is simply the way it is.  God DID place them there.  It was no mistake and we are wrong to try to take them away if that is not what he wants.  Ever.  We cannot be arrogant to think we are better.  We simple are not.  Ouch.  That really hurts, but it puts things in prospective.  Real prospective.  The kind that makes us beg to be more like Jesus, to love like Jesus, to not judge or pretend or want to alter someone.  To love people just the way they are, with or without teeth, with or without educations, with or without a history of drug abuse, with or without a family or life to speak of.  With money who flaunt it or with it who give generously, the self righteous, the selfish, the mean, the snobby, the loud mouths with no filter.  Love. Period. The. End.

     The best thing that ever happened was when I returned the first one to his parents.  God chose them, not me.  It didn't matter what I could offer or who I was.  I wasn't THIER chosen parent.  I loved him so fiercely.  He even looked like us.  He knew us.  He clung to me when I handed him to his unsure mother.  He wasn't mine....not any more. I was only chosen for a little while and I will forever be changed "for good".  My suggestion is to not be afraid of the tough stuff.  Love like Jesus does. Every. Day.  Be willing to have your heart broken.  You just might learn something.