Collecting Children...

     This term has come up more frequently of late.  I hear it in with regard to foster parents as well as foster adopt parents.  The funny thing I've noted is that it is NEVER from one of those parents.  It always seems to come from those on the "outside".  Hum.....  One example came from "friends" hovering over a friend of mine's new foster son. We'll call the foster mom Lisa. They oohed and they ahhed and then they began to share how this person or that person has been waiting FOREVER for a child so would Lisa please GIVE this child to them.  WOW!  That is bold and disturbing.  GIVE a child to someone!  GIVE a child that belongs to the state, technically, first and second to Lisa.  These well meaning friends knew Lisa wanted to adopt, but they accused her of "collecting" children since she already had 2 biological children.   

     Blood boiling alert....  My friend, Lisa, who prayed for a long time with her family about standing in the gap for these children. My friend who sacrificed countless hours training, preparing her home for foster care regulations, filling our countless pages of paperwork, who went through hours of questioning on personal matters for a home-study.... and who waited by the phone for that call with her family willing to alter their lives.  GIVE them to someone who had done none of the work at all and wasn't willing to?  Who just saw a child in crisis and wanted to step in and take action.....and judge.  In my best East Texas accent I must say, "That was just tacky!"  What a slap in the face to Lisa.  Now, over a year later I don't see any of those families standing in line to take classes for foster care.  They wanted the EASY button and they wanted Lisa to do all of the work!  And the last year has been WORK and a battle of every form....emotionally, physically and legally....yep, still no takers, but Lisa and her family...hearts on the line, day in and day out.  Lack of sleep, numerous doctor visits, tears wiped, lessons learned, schedules adjusted....and so on and so on.

    Now, I hear the "collecting" children term to refer to any family who is a foster parent, having adopted or not.  Especially if the family is a little larger than the norm.  Hint:  If you don't plan on having a larger family, it would be best not to get into foster care.  Just saying!  It takes quite a bit to upset me, but this upsets me.  I believe what I am about to say would be said by many other if not ALL foster parents, but alas I can only claim it as my opinion for the sake of argument. Whether or not you plan to adopt, these children are YOURS.  The state controls it all, but as long as the paperwork is there, they are yours (and yours in your heart forever).  When you spend days on end trying to hold a baby that will NOT be held because of drug addiction or reactive attachment disorder (RAD) or fear and then that child cuddles against you looking deep into your eyes while stoking your face, you will rock that baby and sing Jesus Loves Me all night long to hold on to that moment.  EVEN if they leave your arms the next day. Not because of the cuddling, but because they now CAN cuddle, they CAN attach, and you know in that moment they do feel safe.  That moment is worth the broken heart their leaving will bring. Can I hear an "amen"?

     When you spend countless months running back and forth to the school to talk to teachers about behavior problems of your school aged child.  When teachers share their fears that the child will never be able to learn, and counselors confess they don't see how the behavior can improve under the circumstances of their past, you press ahead and work all the harder.  Then all of a sudden things get a little better.  You pass it off as just a moment of peace for everyone, but it continues.  As the case progresses termination is inevitable and non kinship placement is sought.  Then one day the teacher and counselor meet with you and share that a true miracle has occurred. The child is thriving, learning, making friends and sharing many stories of "home" meaning, "your home".  The child feels safe and loved and now the child is ready to move forward without a fight.

     At this moment, the adoption worker comes to talk to you about this child so they can prepare the file for adoptive families.  You are thrilled this child  will get to begin fresh, but this precious child looks into your face at bedtime and asks if you will be his forever mommy.  You explain lots of things including the fact that you already have 6 children (or  however many...this is NOT my story).

     At that moment you know this child feels secure and even in your rather large family you are providing that. You also know because research shows it in glaring color that another change will set this child back.  Collecting children?  Is this family collecting children if they choose this one? What do you think?  This is NOT to say that every child should be adopted by their foster family, BUT how dare anyone accuse someone of collecting children.  Does it happen for the wrong reasons?  Certainly, but until you have walked a mile in one of these families shoes do not make this judgement. Pray for them and the child and the right decision to be made and then STAY OUT.  Or better yet, get licensed and learn first hand what day to day life looks like for these families.  They are thriving and yes the kids do get individual attention and they are NOT lost in the shuffle. It is just different from your day.  THOSE moms don't go to lunch with friends, or get pedicures at spas (They do, however get top notch pedicures from precious children), or play golf and go on weekends away.  The don't shop for new clothes very often or go on dinner dates.  Their time is spent differently and they wouldn't trade it.

     Changes are hard for children, especially under the age of 3.  The developing brain looks for pattern and routine and even in the best of circumstances with the most loving of parents, a child is going to go through a difficult time with it.  Will you see it?  Probably not!  Many people say "children are resilient", well yes, they take their next breath, but the brain has a blip on it and it will show up somewhere whether in learning challenges, or RAD or any number of other ways.  Dr. Karyn Purvis is the most famous at bringing this to view, but there are many other studies done to prove it.

     When I see these larger families who have adopted many, I see large hearts willing to go the extra mile to truly let GOD fill them to be able to find balance and love in large numbers!  Yes, it may seem weird to you and odd and challenging, but it is their choice and their life and I assure you, there is joy beyond measure there.