Helping a child adjust into your home...

Being a foster parent has changed our lives in more ways than we ever expected.  Here are just a FEW ways. 

1.  We are no longer secluded in our safe little world.  We are IN the world because of dealing with CPS, other agencies who work with "our" children, as well as their families (ex. WIC, MEDICAID).  
      This is NOT a bad thing.  This is Kingdom work.
2. Our world changes on a dime with each new placement.  None of it is predictable. Life seldom is.
3. We must be flexible in our schedule minute to minute.
4.  Our family does not look like other families. That is okay!

     With a new placement comes new territory.  We have NO idea the baggage this child will carry. DO NOT EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE BAGGAGE A NEWBORN CAN CARRY...if 9 months in the womb were rough, they come out in the fight, flight or freeze mode and their brain is in overdrive or under- drive.  This was a HARD lesson learned for us.We are now going to be the ones to gently unpack that baggage.  Over-stimulation is underestimated DAILY.  This is a hard one for me because of the number of children we have as well as the number of activities.  Thinking that these kids need to get into our grove is way under-estimating what their brains can take in.  It can be damaging.  I am guilty of this.

     These kids need to bond with you!!!  Don't listen to those who say otherwise.  To bond is to be capable of bonding.  If you push them away because you are afraid of that, you have damaged them in a great way.  They must be able to bond even if the caretaker has to change.  The less moves the better, but in orphan care this is unfortunately something that changes more often than it should.  This sometimes can not be helped.  In needing to bond with you, they do not need to be put up for "show and tell" right away.  This is a really hard one for me because I want to show them off and love on them and have other people love on them because more than likely this is something they haven't had.  Unfortunately, this is not helpful at first and certainly not in big doses.  They need to know who to depend on and who to trust and this is not something that is easy for them.  Having people in and out of your house is too much.  The nursery at church or Sunday School without you may be too much at first.  Some of this can't be helped; school or daycare for example.  Be aware that the repercussions of this will be there and you need to be prepared to love them through it.  Slowly introduce them to new people and new things (at least as slowly as you can).  Please know, that this post is for me as much an anyone else.  I know what is best for them, but making it happen is often hard.

     Food is almost always a big deal (it certainly has been with almost all of our foster children). They need to see that it comes from you.  They need to see you prepare it and serve it.  They need to see you provide it.  If people bring you meals, make sure they understand that you are the one who will always provide food for them.  Eating out may not be the best option at first.  More than likely, their diet was NOT good (If this is a foreign adoption, be aware of how different their foods are than ours.  They will need to adjust very slowly).  This does not mean you can change it suddenly.  Adjust them in to a good balance of food.  (Thank you AA for reminding me of these things.  It fit this post that was already partially written).  As Americans we have the best of all foods and yet we daily abuse that and eat the worst stuff!  Stop it!

     Routine is essential.  Bedtime crucial as well as regularly scheduled meals.  Sleep is something we don't get enough of.  We think we are fine.  We are NOT!

3-6 Years Old: 10 - 12 hours per day.  Most are getting the same amount as the adults!
7-12 Years Old: 10 - 11 hours per day  Think about how to achieve this!  If you get up at 7 they must be in bed by 8.  Really! If you are having ANY kinds of problems with any child....refer to this time schedule.  Make a change for at least 10 days and then address the issues.  Their little brains cannot possibly handle life without enough sleep!  Getting extra sleep one night does NOT make up a sleep debt that has not been paid in a long time!  Read up on this!  I am NOT kidding!

     We try to stick to a routine at our house.  We are up around 7 and sometimes earlier.  School begins as soon as everyone is somewhat (we home school so "somewhat is close enough") dressed and fed.  This can take awhile with the little girls.  School for them is 2 days a week and begins at 8:30 so school at home begins for us around 9:15.  One day is spent at ELO (Extended Learning Opportunities) which is "school" for home schoolers.  The two days the girls are home has school starting earlier and intense work done during the girls 2 naps, one at 10 and the other at 2.  During the time they are awake, we try to give them something to do like coloring or puzzles or a beloved Dora episode.  Sometimes this goes well, and sometimes it doesn't.  We are learning what works and what doesn't and how to change it as they get older.  Lunch is at 12 and lasts around 45 minutes.  Once they eat, they often go outside and run around for a while, especially in good weather.  If they weather is really good, we do school outside, either on the front porch or at the pool.  Yes, it can be distracting, but for the most part we get school done quickly because we are motivated to play and work in the garden or climb trees!

     Now, this remains the same with additional ones only we have to work them into this routine.  This takes time to ease them in.  A new born sleeps more and for shorter times.  I have found that even a 5 to 6 month will work into this same routine if we keep it going every day.  They will usually have an additional nap in there as well as go to bed earlier than the 7:30 to 8 bedtime.  We do devotionals without them because they are later.  All children thrive on routine (they won't tell you this), but for a new one in your home, you must ease them in.  They have not been on YOUR schedule and more than likely they weren't on ANY schedule.  Be patient and loving.  Take as long as they need, but be CONSISTENT!  Ugh, that is a HARD word!

     As far as shopping.  Seldom do I ever shop with younger children.  It is done at night or my husband does it (and the angels sang).  It disrupts our day too much and it too overstimulating for our younger ones.  Besides, I HATE to shop.

     Chores.  Oh boy, that is such a dirty word at our house.  We take breaks and set timers to get chores done.  I will have a complete post on chores at some point.  This is always changing.  I don't know why!  I wish I did.  Right now we have a system that seems to be working well if we truly work it....except when it doesn't.  Most of the time it is ME not working it with them!  Today is a good day so I won't complain!

Read to them....all of them.  Rock them (if they will let you).  Hug them (build up to this if they are not comfortable...read their body language).  Sing to them!  Yes, even if you don't think you can sing well.  It's a bonding thing.  Diffuse lavendar in their room!  This has BEEN a BIG thing at our house and WOW does it work!  We use Doterra Essential Oils (that is another post as well)! Pray with them and for them!  They need to hear you and see you praying for them! Laugh and laugh often!  Laughter is one size fits all and is just plain good for you!