Compassion Fatigue....Reality? Guilt? Denial?

This is an excellent post, but from a sweet, sweet foster mom who has had a whirlwind first year in foster care.  Is she trained?  Yes.  Were her expectations off line?  No.  Was it challenging and downright gut wrenching?  Um....yes!  Please know if you are tearing up as a result of this, you are NOT ALONE!  Reach out and ask for help.  DO NOT feel guilty or let any self righteous person push you into a dark corner.  Here are the thoughts from Wendy Doster

I wrote the following as a reply to another post, but realized it might not be seen by many, so I decided to lay it all out there because I believe this is a topic that while not everyone will experience, many will experience!
My thoughts on compassion fatigue.....
I know from personal experience that it is real. Out of the 9 children that we have had in our home, most have been rather normal and have exhibited behavior that is in keeping with their age. However, our longest placement was 6 months and it was a sibling group of 3. ( The youngest was NB and olders were 2yrs and 3yrs) The NB had colic and intestinal issues, he would scream for hours during the day and wake up on average about 5 times a night. The older two also woke up screaming multiple times a night. Almost daily we would have angry screaming fits (not crying) when their was any transition or anything out of the normal routine, even positive events that were meant to be fun.
Nap-time, bedtime...yep! Angry inconsolable screaming again. For sake of time, I won't go into their eating and other issues!
Okay, at this point you might be thinking I hated these children, that couldn't be further from the truth. I came into foster care realizing that the little ones that came to us would need healing and that I should have no "expectations", but nothing could have prepared me for the change that happened in our home during that 6 months. Our home went from a very peaceful place to a place of heart ache. I felt anguish over those littles like I have never known before, I can't tell you the times that I spent in exhaustion and crying. When I would try to pray, all I could do is cry and cry and cry some more.
About month four is when the fatigue set in. It began to be easier to just not feel.... And then guilt.....and then more tears!!!
Around the 5 month mark, things began to look better. We might go a night only getting up 2-3 times with someone screaming or screaming at bed time would go from a couple of hours to 30 minutes. Progress! We really began to be hopeful that maybe someday they would know they were safe.
It wasn't until 2 months after they got sent back to parents that I began reading about compassion fatigue and realized that I was still dealing with "PTSD" type stuff from it. (We currently have 2 littles girls that have been with us 3 months and sweet little baby boy who has been with us 2 weeks.)When the girls first came though, if they woke in the middle of the night or had a temper tantrum I would literally feel panic rising. It was my husband who first suggested that I might have "PTSD" that was causing me to over react to our current littles typical 2 year old behavior. I began reading everything I could about compassion fatigue and "PTSD".
It is now a few months later, my stress level is down and I'm absolutely enjoying our three littles we have. Yes, they throw fits and are naughty sometimes, but I am seeing it through different eyes because I came to terms with the struggles of the past and am recognizing it for what it was! "Compassion Fatigue". Putting a label on it simply gives you a term to use to describe what happened and as with most "labels", it is hard to understand until you've experienced it.
This post is not meant to be depressing, but an encouragement to anyone who has faced this in the past or is currently facing it. You are not a horrible person because you are struggling and there are many of us out here who are willing to help even if all we can do is listen! 
To anyone new to foster care, I don't want to give the impression that all cases are going to be like the one I described. They aren't! However, Foster care is spiritual warfare on many levels and you will need the support of others fighting this battle!!!
As for our three littles that we had last fall, my heart still hurts for them, because they were sent back to the same mess they came from! Their hand prints will always be on my heart! I'm thankful to know that God is still fighting for them!