I guess it's time for me to update our cover photo, but then again it was time to update the title of this blog 3 children ago.
Longview couple adopts third child from foster care
Posted: Sunday, November 23, 2014 4:00 am | Updated: 7:39 am, Mon Nov 24, 2014.
Kara Curfman said she and her husband, Locke, are on a journey filled with joy, struggle, complaints and victories when it comes to their ever-increasing family.
Earlier this month, the Curfmans, both Buckner International foster parents, formally adopted their tiny daughter Scarlett, who first came to them shortly after birth as a foster child under their care.
The 2-year-old Scarlett was one of 15 children adoptedinto “forever families” at the Gregg County Courthouse during National Adoption Month.
Scarlett is the third child to be adopted by the Curfmans, who also have three biological children: Caleb, 18; Caroline, 15; and Colin, 11. Scarlett’s adoptive siblings, also former foster children, are Paris, 4, and Kylie, 5.
Kara Curfman was adopted as a baby through Buckner, the same agency through which she adopted her three youngest children. Her younger brother also was adopted.
But, the Curfmans say, it was never their initial intention to take in foster children or adopt them.
“Really, we never intended to become that family,” Kara Curfman said. “It was certainly not our intention going into it. Not our vision. But plans obviously changed. God orchestrated that, and here we are.”
Scarlett
Scarlett initially became a foster child with the Curfmans less than 24 hours after a previous foster child staying with them had been returned home.
“We had barely packed for the last child who left the night before when they called and asked us if we could care for a 4-pound preemie baby who had been born in Dallas,” Kara Curfman said.
“Of course we agreed. But when we first took her in, we weren’t sure we wanted to adopt again. But when the time came, we couldn’t imagine her ever leaving.”
Now adorable and happy, Scarlett required special care when first taken in by the Curfmans.
“I always had her in my arms,” Kara Curfman said. “You cannot imagine what its like to hold a baby 24 hours a day. Not being able to move. It was really hard at first, but now you cannot tear her out of my arms.”
In the beginning
While she always had an open mind about foster care and adoption, Kara Curfman said she was especially affected by the foster children coming through her Lewisville ISD elementary school classroom when she was a teacher about 20 years ago.
“My heart really went out to them,” she said.
She found herself eventually introducing the idea of becoming foster parents to her husband, who was not initially a fan of the idea.
The idea went by the wayside after Kara Curfman started having children. In preparation for full-time motherhood, she retired from teaching.
But the ideas of foster care and adoption did not go away. The subject eventually found its way back in to the Curfmans’ discussions.
“When our children were small, I ran across several articles in the paper about foster parenting,” Kara Curfman said. “I clipped them, showed them to my husband, and it started him thinking. Eventually he said, ‘OK. Let’s look into this.’ ”
Locke Curfman agreed to go to an informational meeting but would not immediately commit to the idea, she said.
“But by the time we started class, he was all in,” she said. “That’s how it started for us six years ago.”
The journey
The Curfmans will be married 24 years in December. They have lived in Longview since 2001.
In their time together, the couple has come to understand many potential foster parents struggle against a negative perception of foster care — “that dramatic story of someone who had this terrible experience,” Kara Curfman explained.
“There is always that story — and really, all the bad foster care stories people keep hearing are all the same story,” she said. “That story starts with these awful foster parents and foster kids.”
There’s also true stories of loss to struggle against, added Locke Curfman, who is a mental health counselor.
He said he finds it sometimes difficult to understand the many people he counsels who have lost their children through Child Protective Services.
“I listen to their stories, then I come home to our children we adopted coming out of foster care,” he said. “There are a lot of parallels between them and the people I’m counseling. And at times it kind of blends together.”
One of the biggest tendencies of fledgling foster parents is to want to save all the children they can, Locke Curfman added.
“A lot of people think that you have to adopt, adopt, adopt,” he said. “But the key is to just get involved. For those who can’t foster, they can still get involved and help other foster families with encouragement or support when times get rough without having to do any actual fostering. You need about two families for every adopted foster family to help keep them going.”
Kara Curfman said families can foster only one child at a time, and they want to always make themselves available for that.
Anyone who wishes to foster, can do so regardless of background, Locke Curfman added.
“The important thing is they have a heart for a kid who is hurting and are willing to sacrifice what most would consider to be a normal life,” he said.
‘Hearts of gold’
Kay Stout, a foster care case manager for Buckner Children and Family Services out of Longview, spoke highly of the Curfmans and their many contributions to the furthering quality foster care.
“They have fostered many children who have gone back to live with relatives,” Stout said. “They have been foster parents since 2009. They have so many unique traits. Hearts of gold, thick skin because so much of it is hard work, and not being afraid to act in the best interests of the child. They are in it.”
When it comes to adoption, Stout said, the Curfmans “have been lucky three times.”
Stout said many families come into fostering with the intention of strictly adopting, but the Curfmans were truly interested in making sure every child, no matter how short a time was spent in their home, received the best care possible.
“They want to continue helping children,” Stout said. “The are an extraordinary family. They are willing to help children despite what may already be on their plate. They are big advocates for foster care and foster children, because they see the need. Their heart’s desire is to help these children grow strong.”
76 strong
The Curfmans operate Longview’s Legacy Closet, which provides clothing, food and other necessary supplies for adoptive or foster parents.
Kara Curfman said Longview has incredible resources for adoptive parents. Many parents in the Longview area have banded together to created a network for adoption support and training.
As many as 76 families participate in that network, the Connecting Christian Foster And Adopted Families of East Texas, Kara Curfman said.
“We have an unbelievable group of really supportive, tight-knit, adoptive families,” she said. “We have created a very supportive group. Some people might have a baby and need a baby bed, and others with a 5-year-old might already have one they are willing to donate. As a result, we have a lot of resources. It’s mostly people from the Longview area, although there may be people from Marshall or Gilmer or even Tyler. We won’t send anyone away that needs support.”
Not one to let her years of parenting experience go to waste, she also maintains a blog,www.5survivethedrive.blogspot.com/.
The toll
Having to give up foster children they have come to love is hard on the two foster parents.
As an example, Kara Curfman recalled an episode with her husband after they had returned a foster child, a 2-year-old boy, with whom he was very close.
Locke Curfman was walking into a Wal-Mart, shortly after having returned the child, when he thought he heard the boy crying.
“He starting searching for him, walking down aisles,” she said. “He said his heart beat faster and faster as he searched and searched. But then he realized it was not him.”
Locke Curfman went through a lot of emotions at that moment, much of it grief at missing the child, his wife said.
“It wasn’t him,” she said. “It just sounded like him. You have to understand: We really love all those kids. We keep pictures of all of them. They don’t ever really leave your life.”
Locke Curfman said after a typically busy day with work and the family, he finds it very important for him and his wife to carve out some time for themselves — once the children are in bed.
“Once they are in bed, we try to have some time, briefly decompress, and get to know each other again,” he said. “We had these three biological children who were horrible sleepers. But most of our adopted children do not have that problem. Except for a few scary dreams, they sleep pretty well.”
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