Balance

     Our newest little one comes with such a bigger package than we expected.  Personally, I go from the "cock-eyed optimist" to a realist and those really don't mix well.  Both are almost opposites....so how do I manage that?  Who knows?
       Back to the point....what is one more?  Well, ONE more, to be exact.  One more for laundry, one more to feed, to play with, to love on, to change diapers for, to get to sleep.  Now, that much I expected, but the drama of the same "baby mama" has really hit me hard.  I thought it would be "the evil I know", but instead, I think I like the unknown evil better.  She just drains me with her stupidity.  I go between wanting to take her home with us to teach her how to be a productive member of society and wanting to just simply kick her.  She saps every extra brain cell I have because I HURT for her.  I WANT her to be able to take care of this child and yet knowing she cannot possibly do it.  There is the optimist vs realist thing again.
     On Christmas Day I truly thought I was to the end of my rope.  I just turned it over to God like I SHOULD do every moment.  I was just simply done.  I had dealt with the typical day overload and then loading a car to the max with fantastic gifts as well as fantastic kids and then turning the key to hear the rat a tat tat of a dead battery was just too much.  I love spending time with my extended family and yet it is tough to have 3 little, diaper wearing tots in someone else's home.  There are just lots of obstacles there.  Dogs, other's toys, children that cannot conform easily to any type of change.   Me, being me really.  Worrying about trying to make everyone else comfortable with MY kids.  It's crazy on my part. No one is probably bothered, but I want to make everything work somehow.  I inevitably say the wrong things and don't say the right things and then analyze it all over again.
     We are not trying to be "mega" parents with 6 kids.  We are simply trying to take care of "least of these" and yet balance all of the above.  Where is the line drawn?  I don't know.  I know that I want to be worn out for my Savior and I truly believe that often we as Americans look for ways to make ourselves comfortable and yet I don't think we should. I am not saying we should look for ways to "suffer for Jesus", but I do think we should rely on God more while serving him and often doing "hard things".  There is still a need for  balance.  We can render ourselves useless if we completely wear out, but that is ALSO a balance between our dependence on God and our dependence on ourselves.  Wow!  This makes my head spin.
    Today I feel back on track.  It's hard, really hard....laundry, attempting and yet failing with potty training of a child with sensory integration challenges, constant food needs (those crazy children seem to want 3 meals a day), errands, home school, regular school, violin and the list goes on.  You know the list....you have one too!!!  Balance....serving our Lord the way He SHOULD be served, loving others and showing HIS love in the process....balance.