Frightening thought....

     Mark Gregston from Heartlight Ministries  www.heartlightministries.org/, a boarding school for troubled teens, discovered that the majority of the kids in their program are from adoptive homes. He started researching this and then asked the kids why they thought they were adopted. He was shocked by the answers. They didn't feel loved for the most part. This wasn't because they were adopted. Obviously they were wanted, but the journey to healing for these children from foreign orphanages (this is a tough recovery for a child because in most cases they DID NOT get what they needed during brain development time...this time can NOT completely be restored) and foster care (with tough pasts) just ended up harder than the parents expected. Healing can happen, but it is hard and tedious and draining for everyone. How do you take an 8 year old and recreate the first 3 years of life for them so they can start over? This is difficult! No one bargains for this and if you do, more than likely you had NO idea what that journey would be like. Karyn Purvis is amazing with this! She was a fabulous speaker at the Together for Adoption Conference in Austin that I just attended at the beginning of October. She also co-authored the book The Connected Child which I highly recommend!

     She told us an amazing story of healing and how it took place. I think it is a perfect example to share. One spring in her neighborhood a bird family made a nest on top of their front door outdoor light (she had loads of pictures for this story of the actual nest). Her family enjoyed watching the nest building process and carefully protected the birds and their 2 little eggs preparing to hatch.

     One unbelievable Sunday a neighbor several doors down took his step daughter hostage, called his church where he was on staff and told them to tell his wife, who was in Sunday School at the time, that if she didn't come back to him and promise to love him forever, he would kill her daughter. The wife had asked for a divorce prior to this event. Their street became a war zone as police moved in, helicopters hovered, and snipers took residence in 2nd story windows. The entire neighborhood watched in horror as this took place. People with guns were everywhere. Homes were invaded and children's bedrooms held men in all black with high powered rifles. This went on all day long and into the night with no one allowed to come into the neighborhood and no one allowed to leave. At midnight the daughter was pushed out the front door and the father completely torched the house....she pictures were unbelievable...it all went up in flames at once!

     After the ordeal, people who witnessed this went in to post traumatic shock. Children were afraid to go in their bedrooms and everyone was looking over their shoulder. It was awful! Karyn then noticed her little birds. The eggs were on the ground broken and the bird were frantically rebuilding their nest...higher and stronger. It was becoming a fortress, but it was all jumbled and out of place. Once again there were eggs, but they fell out....more building and more eggs, to no avail. Karyn was perplexed and sad for the birds. She told us against her better judgement for people considering her insane she went outside to "talk" to her birds. She told them this was ridiculous and that nothing was working. At this point she was sorry, but she was going to wash away the nest. It just wasn't working for anyone. She took away the odd nest and cleaned up the mess.

     The next day, the building began again, but this time it was like the first time. It was organized and normal. She realized that they had been traumatized too by the events that occurred and in their effort to protect themselves and their babies they tried to build a better nest, but just forgot how. They just couldn't put together what they were wired to do. When Karyn destroyed the nest, they had to start from the beginning..completely. They then were able to find their way back. It seemed cruel to destroy what they had done, but it wasn't working.

     This is the same thing that must be done with traumatized children....they can be traumatized in the womb if the pregnancy is stressful in any way...or in an orphanage or with parents who neglect or abuse them. They must be taken back to the beginning. Depending on their real age the ways to do this vary. You can't rock a 16 year old and yet there are ways to "rock" them mentally. This is a journey that must be done for them to heal and for their brain to be re-set so it can function normally. This SO makes sense and yet it is challenging.

     This has really given me some thought about Baby K. She came to us at 1 month so SURELY nothing too bad couldn't have happened and YET she shows severe trauma at being in the presence of her mother. How can this be when a baby searches for the sound of his/her mother's voice? This child is scared to death of this voice. 9 months in the womb and 1 month with her has taught her fear. That is frightening because we will NEVER know the details of this. We can guess based on the facts we know, but that's it. It really doesn't matter except to satisfy our curiosity. We still have to walk her through healing. My other question is what about healing for this bio mom? She needs healing too and yet there is not a foster mom for her. She's not a child and yet....obviously she is. She is hurting and has needs that have never been met. Without those needs being met she will never live up to her potential and the chances of change happening are slim to none. She just looks dysfunctional and no one wants to deal with that. She is needy, mentally ill, uneducated, lonely and without any support system at all...family is gone or on drugs. Where do you turn when you need someone....do you have many places to turn? She has no where. No where to truly call her own. What about her?

   Okay, in case you are wondering why I have posted so many in a short period of time....I am supervising a slumber party for C2. What else is a mom to do?